Sunday, January 11, 2009

Day Seven

Last week at this time, I was binging and planning my diet for Monday. I was trying to finish off all the binge food in my apartment-pasteries, candy, regualr soda-because I knew I wouldn't throw it out. Instead I would postpone my diet so I could finish it. This is insane as I have thrown out hundreds of dollars of natural food because it has gone bad while it sits in my refrigerator waiting for me to start my diet. So I eat all the junk food even if I don't feel like it. I consume hundreds of more calories so I CAN go on a diet. Insane isn't it!
I am abstienent today but feel shakey about it. I feel I'm better off staying close to home to avoid temptation. I've blown it after seven days before and just want to protect my abstience. Since my last weight loss, I've gained 25 of 35 lbs. back. In the past, I've always had to gain all my weight back and more before I was willing to diet. I reached my highest weight this last time and am hoping to never get that heavy again. But I know never to say never. When I first started struggling with my weight, I read a story about a woman who was my height and weighed 186 lbs. At the time, I weighed 136 lbs. I thought "I will never let myself get that heavy. I would do anything to stop from gaining all that weight, even killing myself." (I remember later thinking suicide was not an option becaue I didn't want to die fat.) Well, I gained 35 lbs. more than her high. So I know now there could be no end to how much weight I would have to gain before I am miserable enough to put down the sugar! God I pray this is the last time, but I can't imagine it other than just for today! -T.

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