Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Vacations All About Food!!

The last two days have been tough! During my period, I crave sugar and am more depressed. I haven't picked up, but I have wanted to!! I'm also leaving tomorrow for three weeks. I'm excited, but there are definitely more temptations when I am away. Much of my vacations are about going to certain restuarants and eating certain foods. In the past, it has been about getting fudge, eating Swedish fish on the beach and cheese steaks. Last year, ocassionally we would get donuts in the morning. But for me, I wanted to get them every day and would sneak off to get some without telling anyone where I was going. Or on the days we all wanted donuts, I would go so I could eat a few in the car before I got back to the house. There is also Uncle Bill's chocolate chip pancakes, Tommy's hot dogs and pizza. And then all the ice cream!! I've also been abstienent when I've been there (only a few times over 40 years) I really don't want it to be about the food and sneaking junk food and feeling fat and bloated. I'm so heavy, but it is more tolerable when I know I am losing. I know how to do this-I just need to do it. There are going to be times when I won't eat with the family, because they often don't eat until 8:00 PM. I also need to make sure I exercise daily. The first 5 days, I will be alone with my two nieces, 5 & 6 years old. That will definitely present certain challenges such as not being able to walk unless I can find a babysitter. So I am going to bring exercise DVDs.

Monday, July 27, 2009


I got my period today which is why I've been struggling with depression the last couple days. I had cramps but walked on the treadmill any way. My cramps are better, but I don't want to work out when I feel good, so it was a struggle to get on the treadmill. I can't believe I need to lose 100 lbs. It is so slow going!! I remember when I was in my 20's, I read about a woman who was a compulsive overeater who weighed 185 lbs. She was about my height. I thought at the time, I would kill myself before I ever got that fat!! Well, I've surpassed that weight over 15 years ago. I remember also saying I wouldn't let myself weigh over 200 lbs. Well, I surpassed that by 20 lbs. I know now to "never say never" when it comes to my weight. If I binged now, I have no doubt I would gain even more than my last high. This is a progressive disease. For me, if I'm not losing, I'm gaining. Each time I lose weight, I gain the weight back plus 5-10 more pounds. I didn't go immediately from 130 lbs. to 220 lbs., but over years and years of gaining and losing. I really don't want to keep doing this. I can't pick up that first compulsive bite!

Sunday, July 26, 2009


The last two days I've been depressed. I think it is related to my hormones. But when I get depressed, I want to eat so I will feel better. Eating to me can fix anything. Lonely-eat. Bored-eat. Sick-eat. Tired-eat. Angry-eat. Sad-eat. But it is a short term fix, and I need more and more food to do the same thing. I just don't want to do anything when I am depressed, and then I feel guilty because I am not being productive. I have so much to do and am not getting anything done. Yesterday, I procrastinated all day about exercising. I never went to the gym, but I did walk on my treadmill for 50 minutes. Today I went to the gym after not doing anything all day. Then I came home and still don't want to do anything. I just need to be careful because if I continue not to get things done, I will use it as an excuse to binge. I use to bribe myself with food all the time in order to do things I didn't want to. I can't do that anymore!

Saturday, July 25, 2009


I'm sitting here procrastinating about going to exercise. I haven't been in 5 days. I'm feeling anxious and don't want to do anything. When I get anxious, I want to curl up and not move. I get afraid I'm going to binge. If I don't move, I can't get up and go to a store & get binge food. I don't want to do anything. Maybe the anxiety will pass, and then I will be able to go workout. Or maybe I should go workout despite my anxiety. I just need to go exercise, and tell myself I can binge after I exercise if I still want to. This is one way I keep from binging. I postpone it. If I keep putting it off just like I would keep putting off dieting, I will get through tough times until the feeling passes. Because everything passes. So I'm going to get ready to exercise. Just writing about it has helped me, too.

Friday, July 24, 2009

Visiting family

I just got back from spending a week at my sister's. I don't really have a good plan for exercising and eating away from home. At home, I have a routine and plenty of healthy foods if I get hungry. I plan my activities around my meals and exercise. And at home, I go to the gym or get on my treadmill to exercise. So while I was away, I didn't exercised. I did eat the same breakfast, because it is easy for me to bring-just cereal with Rice Dream. But other times I just ate whatever was prepared, and when I felt hungry, I ate one of the healthy snacks I brought.
There was only one time that I really thought for a moment I was going to take that first compulsive bite. It was when I went into Dunkin Donuts so my nieces could get a donut. I really, really wanted to get, not one, but many donuts. (I would describe for you the donuts that I wanted, but I don't want to go there.) I do think that when I am eating right there is a certain momentum that I have to overcome to start binging again. It requires not just a thought, but a thought and an action!! Just like when I am binging, I can't just start eating right. I first have to stop the momentum of what is similar to a run away train going down a mountain. So now I am home. I'm feeling a little down. I've been eating right for four weeks and get a little depressed I am still fat!! That may be the Biggest Loser effect where they lose 10 lbs. in a week rather than a month!! I realize now that it could be months before I see any rewards for my work, and ONLT if I remain abstinent. I think that is why I am feeling a little down! Plus I don't want to eat my boring diet. I want to eat something exciting!! But I am going to eat it anyway, because if I don't I know I will binge.

Friday, July 17, 2009


Whenever I decide to stay home and exercize, I procrastinate and end up not working out or working out right before dinner. So that is what happened today. I didn't exercise until 5:30. And who says exercizing makes you feel better? Sometimes it does but sometimes it doesn't. Today, I was feeling okay and then I just got depressed. I heard a profound statement on the radio the other day. "Your thoughts create all your suffering." I believe that but I am not always aware of my thoughts. I don't know why all the sudden I felt down. Nothing has changed. I am use to using sugar to self medicate to try to feel better or not feel at all. I'm not doing that now so I just have to sit with the feelings. It is what it is. I don't have to feel okay every minute of every day. Do I? They're just feelings! They may be distressing, but they are not dangerous.
The other thing I need to learn is that I can go ahead and do something even if I don't feel like it. That is part of being a grown up. It sucks I know!

Thursday, July 16, 2009

Gaining and losing and gaining

I got my period Tuesday. It is always harder to abstain from sugar around my period. I crave sugar especially chocolate. Also I get PMS. I was really depressed yesterday and couldn't get myself to go exercise. I didn't want to do anything. I had no excuses other than I didn't want to!! I didn't feel like it!! The difference between me and the other people at the gym, besides the fact that most of them are thin and I am fat, is consistency. They consistently go whether they want to or not. Whereas I go with the object of losing weight. If I start binging and therefore not losing weight, I stop going! I need to stop seeing my problem as a weight issue, because then I think the problem is gone once the weight is lost. Actually it gets harder to maintain good eating habits once I am thin, because there are no immediate consequences from eating candy and junk food when I am thin. Unfortunately, I forget that that one candy bar is usually the beginning of more candy and more junk food, and not being willing to stop until I gain all my weight back plus more. Because once I start eating sweets, I don't WANT to stop and the only thing that stops me is being in more pain from eating sweets than not eating them. That usually happens when I am fat again and no clothes fit and I have trouble going up stairs and I hate myself again!!!

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Nothing fits!

I only have one skort and no shorts that fit me right now. Yet I have a walk in closet packed with clothes. Last year, I orgnaized them from size 22 to size 8, putting all the clothes together for each size. Some of these clothes I haven't worn in over eight years! I don't know why I hang onto them except that I can't afford to buy a whole new wardrope as I lose weight. Of course, I have the largest wardrope in the smallest sizes as I hate to shop when I am heavy. Plus, I always see being overweight as a temporary condition because I am always trying to lose weight. The ironic part is that being thin is the temporary condition!! I have been heavy much longer than I've been thin. In college, I weighed between 105-135, and I was just as out of control with food but I could white knuckle diet enough that I lost the weight 10 or 15 lbs. pretty quickly after gaining it. Now I'm carrying over 100 extra pounds. You can't just take that off in a couple weeks or months! When I was in my 20's, I thought I would never let myself get so fat!! But I didn't go from 120 lbs. to 220 lbs in a year. Each time I lost the weight, I would gain 5-10 lbs. more. Over 30 years that adds up. Lately, I've been losing weight but my lowest weight has been 170 lbs. in the last five years, and that only lasted about a month before I started gaining it back. The thinnest I have been since college is 115 lbs. when I was forty!! Eight years ago. I haven't been this heavy in the summer. I reached a new high so I need to buy some summer clothes in the bigger size. I don't want to buy a lot because I'm hoping to keep losing and therefore I hope not to be this heavy for much longer. I could be buying clothes I can only wear for another 3-4 weeks. That is what I say, but I'm thankful I haven't been giving away the big clothes because I seem to need them again. The idea that if I didn't keep those clothes I wouldn't gain the weight back doesn't work for me. If it did, I wouldn't keep hitting new highs and outgrowing my old clothes! Tomorrow I'm going to buy one or two new skorts to wear until I'm in a size 18W as I have a lot in that size. God, if only this time the weight loss will stick!

Monday, July 13, 2009

I'm back home

I haven't exercized the last three days as I have been away. I'm going right after I write this. While I was away at my sister's, I didn't stay on my diet, but I didn't overeat either. The change in what I ate there helped me get off my latest plateau. I think when I'm always eating the same thing and exercising the same, my body adjusts and my weight gets stuck. I think this is what they talk about on the biggest loser-about having a high calorie day so your body doesn't think you are starving. I need to go as I am procrastinating about going to the gym.

Thursday, July 9, 2009

Starting Again

I can't believe my last blog was January!!! Think how thin I would be if I hadn't blown it. That wasn't the last time I was eating right. I had several false starts. Each time though I gained back all the weight I had lost before being willing to begin again. It is hard to give up my binge foods especially sugar-candy, ice cream, chocolate, cup cakes. So I'm not willing to do it until I'm in alot of pain. This last time I hit a new high 220 lbs. Now I'm on my 13th day, and I am even going to the gym! Of course, I joined in January and the first time I went was June. I pray that this is it. I have been losing and gaining anywhere from 30-40 lbs. the last three years. As a teacher, I take advantage of the time off over the summer to make my abstience a priority. Unfortunately, once school starts, I get so busy and stressed out I return to binging! Also my slow weight loss can be a trigger. For instance, today I weighed myself and I haven't lost any weight this week even though I have been dieting and exercising 1-2 hours a day!! So I think-why am I doing this if I'm not losing weight? I forget the fact that I feel better when I eat right. I am less depressed and hopeless. I save a lot of money as when I start binging I need to use credit cards to pay monthly expenses because I can't afford to binge & eat every meal out. It can't be about the weight!! Grant it, it is definitely harder to lose weight in your late 40's. When I was younger I could drop 15 lbs. in the first month. I need to see it from the glass half full! At least I am not gaining weight because for me, if I am not losing, I am gaining. For today, I am grateful to be abstaining from sugar and my binge foods. Praise God!