Sunday, August 30, 2009
I'm actually excited to start school. My food is okay. I've been chewing gym in the evening to keep from eating. Today I went to the gym. It was good! Yet later I had cravings--sometimes my blood sugar drops and I can get really bad cravings. These cravings weren't that bad so I was able to eat something healthy. In the past, if my blood sugar dropped the cravings for sugar were so bad I would binge. The amino acids are really making a difference. Tomorrow I need to get up around 5 PM, if I want to exercise in the morning. I know if I don't exercise in the morning it is not going to happen later on. But will I really get up?
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
I didn't want to eat dinner tonight. The reason is because my dinner isn't exciting or pleasurable. So I don't want to get up and prepare it. I'm use to eating fast food which I not only don't have to prepare, but also taste good to eat. My sister and I were talking about this because sometimes her girls don't like what they are having for dinner. She is trying to tell them that the food they eat isn't always going to be something they really like, but that they need to eat to fuel their body. I know that I associate food with pleasure. One of my favorite expressions is "Life is uncertion so eat dessert first!" When I'm binging-I only eat food that is pleasurable. I would go for months without any vegetables other than french fries or the lettuce on a Junior Whopper or a Taco! Yet I know that if I don't plan and prepare my meals, I will just grab what is easy and available. This reminds me of another expression which is hanging in my kitchen. It says, "If you are what you eat--I'm fast, easy and cheap." I also need to associate how I feel later with what I am eating. Even though eating fast food is exremely pleasurable to me, later I feel bloated and gross!! When I eat right--I can feel great!
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
I was reminded tonight of all the self-hatred that comes with binging. It is so easy to forget about how much I hate myself when I'm binging and fat. I've lost over 20 lbs. I don't want to forget how I felt then because I don't want to go back. Today I went into work. I'm teaching at the high school this year. Last time I did well over the summer, I ended up blowing it when school started. I'm trying to be conscious this time. I noticed today when I was busy working I didn't want to stop to eat. That is when I start grabbing candy & fast food. So I made a conscious decision to go home and make dinner. Now I just need to start exercising again.
Monday, August 24, 2009
I made it another day abstienent! When I am feeling like I didn't accomplish anything productive-I need to remember how much I wanted to be abstienent when I was binging and out of control. I need to appreciate what a gift it is and be grateful I'm not still 20 lbs. heavier or more. That I will have clothes that fit when I start work. That I have money in the bank to start school which I wouldn't have if I was binging. I am feeling more anxious lately with work starting. I just need to remember to stay in the present and take one day at a time!!
Sunday, August 23, 2009
I got back from my vacation on Friday. I was at the shore for 3 weeks. I actually lost weight which is amazing! I'm taking amino acids to help with cravings, energy & mood. I really had no desire for ice cream or cheese steaks. Last year, I was getting ice cream daily. I also had several cheese steaks a week. This year I only had two. I still struggled to exercise. I procrastinated and then didn't go. Just like I'm doing today!! I got my period yesterday, and I have cramps. I was craving sweets the last two days, but the cravings were not so overwhelming that I binged. I've blown quite a few diets due to my sweet cravings before my period. Now I relaize many of my binges were the result of physical body chemistry and not emotional stuff I was trying to avoid. I really hope I can be successful this year!! School starts a week from tomorrow! I need to make sure I deal with any stress and anxiety in other ways-NOT binging. I also need to go exercise today! I want to get back in the habit before school starts.
Sunday, August 9, 2009
I am starting my second week of vacation on the New Jersey shore. There is no scale and no gym, so I've only exercised twice in 10 days since I have been here. I've only had ice cream once! Last year, I was having ice cream daily-going off by myself to get it, and then if the family got ice cream after dinner, I would have it twice. I am taking Alli while I am here. Of course, it gives me diarreha, and I am nervous about getting it when I am out somewhere and there isn't a bathroom immediately available. I'll know when I get home if it has been working, and I lose more weight. The first week, I was here alone with my two nieces, 5 and 6 years old. One night I had to try & carry one of them up the stairs, because she fell a sleep on the couch. First, I am already carrying around an extra 80 lbs. Then add another 60 lbs. and forget it. In the surf, if a wave knocks me down it is very hard to get up. It sucks being so heavy!! I'm tired of being overweight. I worry about running into people I use to know when I was 100 lbs. thinner!! I don't think I could bare the look on their faces!