Monday, January 26, 2009

I want to binge!

I'm having a really hard time! I really want to binge. I feel so compulsive. I want to go out and get a huge bag of M&Ms. I know my desire to binge was triggered by a bad day at work. I'm just so unhappy and feel powerless to change things. So I'm feeling out of control. Yet, I know if I pick up it could set me back months. I don't have the ability to eat candy tonight and then start over tomorrow. I'm similar to a drug addict. Once I pick up, I won't be satisfied to just have that treat and go right back to my diet. I will need to eat all the things I have been missing the last three weeks. Oh God! Help me to just stay put tonight. There is nothing in the apratment to binge on so as long as I don't go out I'll be okay. I was even thinking I could binge tonight and tomorrow, and get back on track on Wednesday as there is going to be a bad storm so I am likely to be stuck inside. I can do whatever it takes that day to get back on track and only lose a day! The problem with that is I won't be willing Wednesday to do whatever it takes!!! I just need to surrender to this feeling. Just because I feel like binging doesn't mean I have to binge. I'd like to just go to bed but it is only 6:15 and I still have work to do to be prepared for tomorrow. I'll let you know tomorrow if I made it through the night.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009


I've really spent very little of my life being hungry. Eating for me has very little to do with hunger. If I didn't feel full, I ate. I would eat until I was stuffed and could not eat any more. I like feeling full. Now I am sitting here hungry. I see hunger as a bad thing! Something to be avoided. When I am hungry, I think I need to eat or I'll starve. Like I will really starve. So I am hungry and I don't like to go to bed hungry! I think I should just eat something healthy so I don't go to bed hungry. Why can't I go to bed hungry? No reason. So I will go to bed hungry and I won't die. I'll go to bed thinking of food, but that doesn't mean I have to eat. Right? Isn't hunger an indication that you are burning fat?

Monday, January 19, 2009

Day 15th

I'm home for MLK day, watching all the media on the inauguration of Barrack Obama. I planned on working on his campaign and going to see him. Then I hoped to go to the inauguration. None of that happened. I did make some phone calls and donated money, but I made excuses for not doing more. Telling myself, "I'm in Connecticut which will go to Obama regardless if I do any campaigning here." So the last few days, rather than being excited and feeling a part of it, it is another example of how I plan and then sit on my ass and eat or exercise and diet waiting for my life to start. There is even a party locally I could go to but I don't want to go alone, and since I've made very little effort to make friends since I moved here two years ago, I have no one to go with. I'm hoping to make this moment a new beginning for me. A reminder of what I miss when I sit on the side line waiting to lose weight before I join in! So today I am seeing myself very clearly and am sad by what I see. It is not just the weight. It is the shame that causes me to hide myself away.

Friday, January 16, 2009

It's not about the weight loss

Since last time I blogged, I have had some tough moments but I am still abstienent by the grace of God. I was sure today I was going to binge. The only thing that probably saved me is I had a dentist appointment and now half my face is numb. The problem is I weighed myself this morning and actually gained 3/10's of a pound. When it becomes just about the weight, I think why bother not binging if I'm not going to lose weight. After years of dieting and binging, now I know the answer to that. One reason is I know if I pick up there is no telling when I will get back on a diet. Another reason is when I am binging I don't stay at the same weight, I gain. So my choice is stay the same weight or gain! Third, it is not just about the weight. When I binge, I spend a lot of money on food. My food addiction and credit card debt go hand in hand. In my twenties, I was taking out $200.00 cash advances on my credit card to binge. Now if I binge, I spend so much money on food that I start charging again. (And I still have a lot of credit card debt I'm trying to pay off so I don't want to add to it) Also I know if I don't do this NOTHING will change, and I want things to get better. I'm sitting here right now thinking I will do this or that once I get thin. My life has been all about postponing my life until I get thin. Sometimes I end up binging so I CAN avoid living! Today I want to do better.

Over the last few years, it has become harder for me to lose weight. I use to be able to drop 15 lbs. the first month and then 10 lbs. each month thereafter. Now I don't even lose 2 lbs. a week. I'm reading a book right now that says that if your liver is overworked you will have trouble losing weight. I had my gallbladder removed four years ago and I've been told I have a fatty liver. So I am going to try some of the suggestions in this book. I'll let you know how it goes.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Day 9

I'm having a really hard time, but not craving sugar or even wanting to overeat. I'm just really down. If I pick up it will be because I want to feel better, not because I'm craving sweets. A lot of my overeating has been a way to self-medicate. Eating sweets does make me feel better, even if only temporarily. I've struggled with depression most of my life. Therefore I know feeling this bad will pass but when I'm in it it feels hopeless. It feels like nothing is ever going to change. It feels like I will always be in debt, in a job where I feel frustrated and unfulfilled, and fat and alone. It doesn't help watching all these award shows this time of year. My life in comparison is pathetic and sad. I'm going to log off and curl up and cry. I need to feel bad about how hard life is especially without sugar to numb my pain.

Sunday, January 11, 2009

Day Seven

Last week at this time, I was binging and planning my diet for Monday. I was trying to finish off all the binge food in my apartment-pasteries, candy, regualr soda-because I knew I wouldn't throw it out. Instead I would postpone my diet so I could finish it. This is insane as I have thrown out hundreds of dollars of natural food because it has gone bad while it sits in my refrigerator waiting for me to start my diet. So I eat all the junk food even if I don't feel like it. I consume hundreds of more calories so I CAN go on a diet. Insane isn't it!
I am abstienent today but feel shakey about it. I feel I'm better off staying close to home to avoid temptation. I've blown it after seven days before and just want to protect my abstience. Since my last weight loss, I've gained 25 of 35 lbs. back. In the past, I've always had to gain all my weight back and more before I was willing to diet. I reached my highest weight this last time and am hoping to never get that heavy again. But I know never to say never. When I first started struggling with my weight, I read a story about a woman who was my height and weighed 186 lbs. At the time, I weighed 136 lbs. I thought "I will never let myself get that heavy. I would do anything to stop from gaining all that weight, even killing myself." (I remember later thinking suicide was not an option becaue I didn't want to die fat.) Well, I gained 35 lbs. more than her high. So I know now there could be no end to how much weight I would have to gain before I am miserable enough to put down the sugar! God I pray this is the last time, but I can't imagine it other than just for today! -T.

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Day Three

I'm not sure I would have made it through the day without binging if I had to work today. Praise God, we had a snow day, more like an ice day. The fact that the roads were dangerous kept me inside all day away from any temptations. This afternoon, I started to feel badly though. Actually, the last two nights, I have had a migraine as I have been withdrawling from all the sugar. This afternoon I had a headach and just generally felt sick. I feel a little better right now.
I did have thoughts of just binging and starting again on the weekend! I usually plan on starting my diets when I'm off work. I guess I feel I won't have the stress and can focus on myself and the diet. However, every time I had time off from work, I thought, I'm on vacation! I want to be able to do and eat what I want! So since I started compulsively overeating in October, I have planned on starting a diet every weekend! Instead I would end up going to the grocery store and eating 4-6 pastries just for breakfast as I planned to start my diet on Monday. Right now I am not feeling grateful to be abstient. I would rather be binging right now on a huge bag of M&Ms. However, I know after years of doing this and not doing this that I don't have to act on every thought, craving or desire. This is something mature adults do. It is called discipline!!
I pray tomorrow I can do nothing if I feel like picking up. One day at a time! -T

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

It Will Pass!

Today I almost binged. Right around lunch I started craving sweets. I hadn't eaten since breakfast and I think my blood sugar was low. Immediately I started negotiating with myself to eat sugar. I could start again tomorrow. It is too hard, I just can't do it today because.... You can start again tomorrow. In the past, I didn't have another voice in my head to say, "I don't think so." But I do now, only after decades of dieting and therapy. So rather than just agreeing with that statement, I examined it! HaHa. When I say it is too hard today, I can start again tomorrow, I'm implying it will be easier another day. What a line I'm feeding myself, literally!!!
It is a BIG FAT LIE that makes me BIG & FAT. Some days may be easier. Who knows this could be the last hard day and because I blew it I'll never know! I also know from experience that the cravings pass. I won't always feel this way. And after work, I felt great! I hadn't binged! I went home and had a abstinent snack and am sitting here writing about it.

Last night was hard too. After craving sugar for over an hour, I had a cup of orange juice. Many times it helps the cravings. Last night it didn't. So I finally went to bed. I didn't go right to sleep but it was clear I had decided I was done eating for the night. Hopefully, tonight won't be as tough, but I just need to remember if it is It will pass!

Monday, January 5, 2009

First Day

So far so good! I ended up getting my period and I have often used that as an excuse to Not start my diet. Someone told me you can't lose weight during your period. (I don't know if that is true) but I figured if I can't lose weight I'm going to eat what I want and will start my diet after my period. Now I know if I use that as an excuse today then there will always be something the next day or the day after that to blame for not being abstienent . I know in the past, I have said I would start on January 1, and have actually started in March and one year in June. That means I had some excuse or another for every day from January to the date I finally started!!!
Since most of my life I have been overweight and wanted to lose weight, most of my life I have had one excuse or another NOT to take care of myself. Today I didn't make any excuses!!!! -T.

Sunday, January 4, 2009

Last Supper

Tomorrow I start my diet. (I wonder how many times I've said that? It must be thousands of times over the last 30 years. God willing, I will start my diet tomorrow! I just finished a huge bowl of gourmet jelly beans. I feel sick! I didn't feel like finishing them but I've never been able to throw out junk food. And I know if I didn't finish them tonight...I couldn't start my diet tomorrow as I would have to finish them the next day. Insane isn't it!! I know if I don't start tomorrow it could be 60 tomorrows or more before I maybe willing. Last year I lost 35 lbs. and in the last 3 months, I have gained it back. I can feel it in my knees going up and down stairs or trying to get off a low couch. I plan on starting to exercise first thing in the morning which will have to be before 6 A.M. because I leave for work at 6:30 A.M. If I don't get up and exercise I can't use that as an excuse. I have so many excuses!! Maybe some time I'll try to list them all.
I feel apprehensive about returning to work and dieting. The first few days dieting, I can feel pretty bad as I go through sugar withdrawl. I need to take it one day at a time. Just concentrate on getting through tomorrow! Nothing bad is going to happen just because I am trying to take care of myself. It's about letting go and not trying to control everything. I just need to accept whatever the day brings. So I'm going to sign off to take my measurements and then I'll weigh myself tomorrow. I hope to be writing tomorrow at this time that I made it through my first day! God Bless! -T.

Saturday, January 3, 2009

I'm starting my diet Monday.

Sound familiar!! Of course, I was suppose to start...January 1, you guess. Yes, that date too. I am a teacher and was planning on starting the Monday after Christmas. Since I would still my on vacation, I figured I would not have any obligations and therefore would have no excuses not to dieting. But I got sick. So I set a new date, December 29. I thought it would be cool that when I was counting how many days I had been on my diet, I could just use the date and ADD TWO! But when that didn't happen, I decided I could start December 30, and still be able to add 0ne day. Well, now I'm just planning on being abstinent Monday. What I mean by abstinence is abstaining from sugar, high fat foods, and any of my binge foods which I would list for you if I had that much time. So this is the start of my blog but not my diet. I'm actually signing off to eat a couple danish. If you are a compulsive overeater like me, you know once you set that start date for the diet everyday up to that diet is a "Last supper" That is eating everything I won't be able to eat EVER AGAIN in one day with the idea of being satistified and then being able to happily start my diet. I'll let you know how that works out! -T.