Monday, July 27, 2009


I got my period today which is why I've been struggling with depression the last couple days. I had cramps but walked on the treadmill any way. My cramps are better, but I don't want to work out when I feel good, so it was a struggle to get on the treadmill. I can't believe I need to lose 100 lbs. It is so slow going!! I remember when I was in my 20's, I read about a woman who was a compulsive overeater who weighed 185 lbs. She was about my height. I thought at the time, I would kill myself before I ever got that fat!! Well, I've surpassed that weight over 15 years ago. I remember also saying I wouldn't let myself weigh over 200 lbs. Well, I surpassed that by 20 lbs. I know now to "never say never" when it comes to my weight. If I binged now, I have no doubt I would gain even more than my last high. This is a progressive disease. For me, if I'm not losing, I'm gaining. Each time I lose weight, I gain the weight back plus 5-10 more pounds. I didn't go immediately from 130 lbs. to 220 lbs., but over years and years of gaining and losing. I really don't want to keep doing this. I can't pick up that first compulsive bite!

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