Self-hatred

I was reminded tonight of all the self-hatred that comes with binging. It is so easy to forget about how much I hate myself when I'm binging and fat. I've lost over 20 lbs. I don't want to forget how I felt then because I don't want to go back. Today I went into work. I'm teaching at the high school this year. Last time I did well over the summer, I ended up blowing it when school started. I'm trying to be conscious this time. I noticed today when I was busy working I didn't want to stop to eat. That is when I start grabbing candy & fast food. So I made a conscious decision to go home and make dinner. Now I just need to start exercising again.

Another Day

I made it another day abstienent! When I am feeling like I didn't accomplish anything productive-I need to remember how much I wanted to be abstienent when I was binging and out of control. I need to appreciate what a gift it is and be grateful I'm not still 20 lbs. heavier or more. That I will have clothes that fit when I start work. That I have money in the bank to start school which I wouldn't have if I was binging. I am feeling more anxious lately with work starting. I just need to remember to stay in the present and take one day at a time!!

Vacations Over!

I got back from my vacation on Friday. I was at the shore for 3 weeks. I actually lost weight which is amazing! I'm taking amino acids to help with cravings, energy & mood. I really had no desire for ice cream or cheese steaks. Last year, I was getting ice cream daily. I also had several cheese steaks a week. This year I only had two. I still struggled to exercise. I procrastinated and then didn't go. Just like I'm doing today!! I got my period yesterday, and I have cramps. I was craving sweets the last two days, but the cravings were not so overwhelming that I binged. I've blown quite a few diets due to my sweet cravings before my period. Now I relaize many of my binges were the result of physical body chemistry and not emotional stuff I was trying to avoid. I really hope I can be successful this year!! School starts a week from tomorrow! I need to make sure I deal with any stress and anxiety in other ways-NOT binging. I also need to go exercise today! I want to get back in the habit before school starts.

On Vacation

I am starting my second week of vacation on the New Jersey shore. There is no scale and no gym, so I've only exercised twice in 10 days since I have been here. I've only had ice cream once! Last year, I was having ice cream daily-going off by myself to get it, and then if the family got ice cream after dinner, I would have it twice. I am taking Alli while I am here. Of course, it gives me diarreha, and I am nervous about getting it when I am out somewhere and there isn't a bathroom immediately available. I'll know when I get home if it has been working, and I lose more weight. The first week, I was here alone with my two nieces, 5 and 6 years old. One night I had to try & carry one of them up the stairs, because she fell a sleep on the couch. First, I am already carrying around an extra 80 lbs. Then add another 60 lbs. and forget it. In the surf, if a wave knocks me down it is very hard to get up. It sucks being so heavy!! I'm tired of being overweight. I worry about running into people I use to know when I was 100 lbs. thinner!! I don't think I could bare the look on their faces!

Vacations All About Food!!

The last two days have been tough! During my period, I crave sugar and am more depressed. I haven't picked up, but I have wanted to!! I'm also leaving tomorrow for three weeks. I'm excited, but there are definitely more temptations when I am away. Much of my vacations are about going to certain restuarants and eating certain foods. In the past, it has been about getting fudge, eating Swedish fish on the beach and cheese steaks. Last year, ocassionally we would get donuts in the morning. But for me, I wanted to get them every day and would sneak off to get some without telling anyone where I was going. Or on the days we all wanted donuts, I would go so I could eat a few in the car before I got back to the house. There is also Uncle Bill's chocolate chip pancakes, Tommy's hot dogs and pizza. And then all the ice cream!! I've also been abstienent when I've been there (only a few times over 40 years) I really don't want it to be about the food and sneaking junk food and feeling fat and bloated. I'm so heavy, but it is more tolerable when I know I am losing. I know how to do this-I just need to do it. There are going to be times when I won't eat with the family, because they often don't eat until 8:00 PM. I also need to make sure I exercise daily. The first 5 days, I will be alone with my two nieces, 5 & 6 years old. That will definitely present certain challenges such as not being able to walk unless I can find a babysitter. So I am going to bring exercise DVDs.

PMS

I got my period today which is why I've been struggling with depression the last couple days. I had cramps but walked on the treadmill any way. My cramps are better, but I don't want to work out when I feel good, so it was a struggle to get on the treadmill. I can't believe I need to lose 100 lbs. It is so slow going!! I remember when I was in my 20's, I read about a woman who was a compulsive overeater who weighed 185 lbs. She was about my height. I thought at the time, I would kill myself before I ever got that fat!! Well, I've surpassed that weight over 15 years ago. I remember also saying I wouldn't let myself weigh over 200 lbs. Well, I surpassed that by 20 lbs. I know now to "never say never" when it comes to my weight. If I binged now, I have no doubt I would gain even more than my last high. This is a progressive disease. For me, if I'm not losing, I'm gaining. Each time I lose weight, I gain the weight back plus 5-10 more pounds. I didn't go immediately from 130 lbs. to 220 lbs., but over years and years of gaining and losing. I really don't want to keep doing this. I can't pick up that first compulsive bite!

Depressed

The last two days I've been depressed. I think it is related to my hormones. But when I get depressed, I want to eat so I will feel better. Eating to me can fix anything. Lonely-eat. Bored-eat. Sick-eat. Tired-eat. Angry-eat. Sad-eat. But it is a short term fix, and I need more and more food to do the same thing. I just don't want to do anything when I am depressed, and then I feel guilty because I am not being productive. I have so much to do and am not getting anything done. Yesterday, I procrastinated all day about exercising. I never went to the gym, but I did walk on my treadmill for 50 minutes. Today I went to the gym after not doing anything all day. Then I came home and still don't want to do anything. I just need to be careful because if I continue not to get things done, I will use it as an excuse to binge. I use to bribe myself with food all the time in order to do things I didn't want to. I can't do that anymore!