Another school year

It's two years later! I'm still struggling with the same issues! Starting the school year again after losing about 20 lbs. The same 20 lbs. I've lost and gained at least five times over the last two years. It is frustrating, especially because I have another 50 lbs. in addition that I need to lose. I want this year to be different. It is hard for me to make myself a priority and taking care of myself quickly goes out the window once I start teaching again. Today was the first day I went into school and already I made so many excuses not to go exercise. I finally went after procrastinating for two hours.

I also went to my 30 year reunion! It was awful. I was 50 lbs. heavier than the last time I went, and it seemed like all the women were still thin and looked great. Some hadn't aged at all. (Many of the men were heavier. Where were all the heavy women? Did they just not come?) I didn't want to look at any of the photos of myself as I thought I looked awful, and now they are memorialized on facebook for everyone to see. I don't want to keep struggling to lose weight.
I know food will always be an issue for me, but weight doesn't have to be!!!! I want this to be the year I lose it for good!

Weekend of Celebration

I went to Maryland for my parents' 50th wedding anniversary. We had a luncheon after they renewed their wedding vows. I made a lot of bad food choices this weekend!! I've also had the worst diarrhea. I don't know if it is one of the supplements I am taking or what I ate or if I have a bug. It is so much easier to eat well when I am home. When I am out to eat--I'm eating for entertainment and it is a special occasion so I am treating myself. But often that exception becomes the rule and before long I am eating treats all the time!! I had a great time this weekend and loved seeing everyone. I definitely feel the best I have in years in terms of my moods. I know the amino acids are helping. I know right now if I don't start exercising again and get right back into eating right--I will be binging again. I stayed at school Friday until 7 P.M. so I could take Monday off. I waited so long to eat that I got fast food Friday night. That was the first of many bad choices this weekend. The worst is--today there are so many healthy choices but I want to eat what I want to eat!!! After Oprah, I'm going to the grocery store to get healthy food for this week. I'm going to get some bananas as I believe they are suppose to help diarrhea. I am thankful that I did not eat any anniversary cake or get into candy because then there is no telling what I would be eating now! Sunday, I ate some pancake roll-ups with blueberries, syrup and butter, bacon and home fries. I went back for seconds and wanted to go back for thirds but wanted to the desire passed. I think the amino acids helped!!! I didn't become totally obessessed with eating more. I'm hoping that this is the start of an abstienence that doesn't result in slips sending me into full blown binges where I gain all my weight back.

PMS

I started feeling down today, and then I started to get a headache. I realized I might be 2 weeks into my cycle because that is when I seem to get a kind of PMS. I just get depressed and don't want to do anything. At least, I'm not having sweet cravings. I think I'm just going to go to bed early. I'm getting my hormones tested again. I've been taking a compound of estrogen, progesterone, and testosterone. I rub it on the inside of my arm. I think it has really helped in my moods, but I think I need more, so I am getting another blood test. My food has been good and I've been steadily losing weight. I did exercise both Sunday & Monday. Two things I have to work on this week are: exercising during the week and being consistent with discipline in class. Even though I am not looking forward to getting up early tomorrow, I am glad I'm busy because otherwise I think I would be obessessing about my weight especially because I am still over 75 lbs. overweight. I've lost 25 lbs. which is great, but I still have a long way to go and that is hard. I end up focusing on how much I still have to lose rather than how much I've lost. It is great that I have more clothes I can fit into, and I have a choice about what to wear!! I just have to do this-one day at a time! No matter what!!!!

Unbalanced

I'm having a hard time! I'm getting to work at 6:30 and not leaving to 5:00. Then when I get home after I eat, I prepare for the next day. I'm hoping that this is just because I have to set up so much at the beginning of the year. I'm glad to have a three day weekend. I'm feeling stressed!!!! I also know that if I continue to do nothing but work--I will end up binging again out of frustration. I have a couple classes where the behavior is going to be challenging and I already am not being strict enough. I'm making the same mistakes I say every year I will change. I need to start praying about it. I also learned I am not getting paid until next Wednesday. Thank God my rent isn't taken out before then or I wouldn't have the money. I need to stay in the present and slow down. Breathe!

One Day at a Time

I had a migraine today. Whenever I don't feel well, my first thought is to eat! "Eat, you will feel better." But when I think of eating to feel better-I'm thinking chocolate, ice cream, cookies, not chicken soup! I came home and justed wanted to go to bed. But I made myself a good dinner and now I feel better. Work is crazy-they changed the classes I would be teaching the day before the students are returning. However, it reduced my preparation from 4 to 3. I just really have to do the next right thing when it comes to my food. I didn't know they weren't serving lunch today so I was caught unprepared. My first thought was going to a fast food drive-thru. But I made the next right decision and went to Subway. If I just take one food decision at a time--and make the right decision, it makes it easier the next time. When I am binging, there is this incredible momentum that is hard to stop and reverse. Similarly, when I am disciplined, there is a momentum that makes it easier for me to be disciplined in other areas like my spending. When I am binging, I also overspend and not just on food. As a result, I have a lot of credit card debt.

Tomorrow Another School Year

I'm actually excited to start school. My food is okay. I've been chewing gym in the evening to keep from eating. Today I went to the gym. It was good! Yet later I had cravings--sometimes my blood sugar drops and I can get really bad cravings. These cravings weren't that bad so I was able to eat something healthy. In the past, if my blood sugar dropped the cravings for sugar were so bad I would binge. The amino acids are really making a difference. Tomorrow I need to get up around 5 PM, if I want to exercise in the morning. I know if I don't exercise in the morning it is not going to happen later on. But will I really get up?

"Life is uncertain. Eat dessert first!"

I didn't want to eat dinner tonight. The reason is because my dinner isn't exciting or pleasurable. So I don't want to get up and prepare it. I'm use to eating fast food which I not only don't have to prepare, but also taste good to eat. My sister and I were talking about this because sometimes her girls don't like what they are having for dinner. She is trying to tell them that the food they eat isn't always going to be something they really like, but that they need to eat to fuel their body. I know that I associate food with pleasure. One of my favorite expressions is "Life is uncertion so eat dessert first!" When I'm binging-I only eat food that is pleasurable. I would go for months without any vegetables other than french fries or the lettuce on a Junior Whopper or a Taco! Yet I know that if I don't plan and prepare my meals, I will just grab what is easy and available. This reminds me of another expression which is hanging in my kitchen. It says, "If you are what you eat--I'm fast, easy and cheap." I also need to associate how I feel later with what I am eating. Even though eating fast food is exremely pleasurable to me, later I feel bloated and gross!! When I eat right--I can feel great!

Self-hatred

I was reminded tonight of all the self-hatred that comes with binging. It is so easy to forget about how much I hate myself when I'm binging and fat. I've lost over 20 lbs. I don't want to forget how I felt then because I don't want to go back. Today I went into work. I'm teaching at the high school this year. Last time I did well over the summer, I ended up blowing it when school started. I'm trying to be conscious this time. I noticed today when I was busy working I didn't want to stop to eat. That is when I start grabbing candy & fast food. So I made a conscious decision to go home and make dinner. Now I just need to start exercising again.

Another Day

I made it another day abstienent! When I am feeling like I didn't accomplish anything productive-I need to remember how much I wanted to be abstienent when I was binging and out of control. I need to appreciate what a gift it is and be grateful I'm not still 20 lbs. heavier or more. That I will have clothes that fit when I start work. That I have money in the bank to start school which I wouldn't have if I was binging. I am feeling more anxious lately with work starting. I just need to remember to stay in the present and take one day at a time!!

Vacations Over!

I got back from my vacation on Friday. I was at the shore for 3 weeks. I actually lost weight which is amazing! I'm taking amino acids to help with cravings, energy & mood. I really had no desire for ice cream or cheese steaks. Last year, I was getting ice cream daily. I also had several cheese steaks a week. This year I only had two. I still struggled to exercise. I procrastinated and then didn't go. Just like I'm doing today!! I got my period yesterday, and I have cramps. I was craving sweets the last two days, but the cravings were not so overwhelming that I binged. I've blown quite a few diets due to my sweet cravings before my period. Now I relaize many of my binges were the result of physical body chemistry and not emotional stuff I was trying to avoid. I really hope I can be successful this year!! School starts a week from tomorrow! I need to make sure I deal with any stress and anxiety in other ways-NOT binging. I also need to go exercise today! I want to get back in the habit before school starts.

On Vacation

I am starting my second week of vacation on the New Jersey shore. There is no scale and no gym, so I've only exercised twice in 10 days since I have been here. I've only had ice cream once! Last year, I was having ice cream daily-going off by myself to get it, and then if the family got ice cream after dinner, I would have it twice. I am taking Alli while I am here. Of course, it gives me diarreha, and I am nervous about getting it when I am out somewhere and there isn't a bathroom immediately available. I'll know when I get home if it has been working, and I lose more weight. The first week, I was here alone with my two nieces, 5 and 6 years old. One night I had to try & carry one of them up the stairs, because she fell a sleep on the couch. First, I am already carrying around an extra 80 lbs. Then add another 60 lbs. and forget it. In the surf, if a wave knocks me down it is very hard to get up. It sucks being so heavy!! I'm tired of being overweight. I worry about running into people I use to know when I was 100 lbs. thinner!! I don't think I could bare the look on their faces!

Vacations All About Food!!

The last two days have been tough! During my period, I crave sugar and am more depressed. I haven't picked up, but I have wanted to!! I'm also leaving tomorrow for three weeks. I'm excited, but there are definitely more temptations when I am away. Much of my vacations are about going to certain restuarants and eating certain foods. In the past, it has been about getting fudge, eating Swedish fish on the beach and cheese steaks. Last year, ocassionally we would get donuts in the morning. But for me, I wanted to get them every day and would sneak off to get some without telling anyone where I was going. Or on the days we all wanted donuts, I would go so I could eat a few in the car before I got back to the house. There is also Uncle Bill's chocolate chip pancakes, Tommy's hot dogs and pizza. And then all the ice cream!! I've also been abstienent when I've been there (only a few times over 40 years) I really don't want it to be about the food and sneaking junk food and feeling fat and bloated. I'm so heavy, but it is more tolerable when I know I am losing. I know how to do this-I just need to do it. There are going to be times when I won't eat with the family, because they often don't eat until 8:00 PM. I also need to make sure I exercise daily. The first 5 days, I will be alone with my two nieces, 5 & 6 years old. That will definitely present certain challenges such as not being able to walk unless I can find a babysitter. So I am going to bring exercise DVDs.

PMS

I got my period today which is why I've been struggling with depression the last couple days. I had cramps but walked on the treadmill any way. My cramps are better, but I don't want to work out when I feel good, so it was a struggle to get on the treadmill. I can't believe I need to lose 100 lbs. It is so slow going!! I remember when I was in my 20's, I read about a woman who was a compulsive overeater who weighed 185 lbs. She was about my height. I thought at the time, I would kill myself before I ever got that fat!! Well, I've surpassed that weight over 15 years ago. I remember also saying I wouldn't let myself weigh over 200 lbs. Well, I surpassed that by 20 lbs. I know now to "never say never" when it comes to my weight. If I binged now, I have no doubt I would gain even more than my last high. This is a progressive disease. For me, if I'm not losing, I'm gaining. Each time I lose weight, I gain the weight back plus 5-10 more pounds. I didn't go immediately from 130 lbs. to 220 lbs., but over years and years of gaining and losing. I really don't want to keep doing this. I can't pick up that first compulsive bite!

Depressed

The last two days I've been depressed. I think it is related to my hormones. But when I get depressed, I want to eat so I will feel better. Eating to me can fix anything. Lonely-eat. Bored-eat. Sick-eat. Tired-eat. Angry-eat. Sad-eat. But it is a short term fix, and I need more and more food to do the same thing. I just don't want to do anything when I am depressed, and then I feel guilty because I am not being productive. I have so much to do and am not getting anything done. Yesterday, I procrastinated all day about exercising. I never went to the gym, but I did walk on my treadmill for 50 minutes. Today I went to the gym after not doing anything all day. Then I came home and still don't want to do anything. I just need to be careful because if I continue not to get things done, I will use it as an excuse to binge. I use to bribe myself with food all the time in order to do things I didn't want to. I can't do that anymore!

Anxiety

I'm sitting here procrastinating about going to exercise. I haven't been in 5 days. I'm feeling anxious and don't want to do anything. When I get anxious, I want to curl up and not move. I get afraid I'm going to binge. If I don't move, I can't get up and go to a store & get binge food. I don't want to do anything. Maybe the anxiety will pass, and then I will be able to go workout. Or maybe I should go workout despite my anxiety. I just need to go exercise, and tell myself I can binge after I exercise if I still want to. This is one way I keep from binging. I postpone it. If I keep putting it off just like I would keep putting off dieting, I will get through tough times until the feeling passes. Because everything passes. So I'm going to get ready to exercise. Just writing about it has helped me, too.

Visiting family

I just got back from spending a week at my sister's. I don't really have a good plan for exercising and eating away from home. At home, I have a routine and plenty of healthy foods if I get hungry. I plan my activities around my meals and exercise. And at home, I go to the gym or get on my treadmill to exercise. So while I was away, I didn't exercised. I did eat the same breakfast, because it is easy for me to bring-just cereal with Rice Dream. But other times I just ate whatever was prepared, and when I felt hungry, I ate one of the healthy snacks I brought.
There was only one time that I really thought for a moment I was going to take that first compulsive bite. It was when I went into Dunkin Donuts so my nieces could get a donut. I really, really wanted to get, not one, but many donuts. (I would describe for you the donuts that I wanted, but I don't want to go there.) I do think that when I am eating right there is a certain momentum that I have to overcome to start binging again. It requires not just a thought, but a thought and an action!! Just like when I am binging, I can't just start eating right. I first have to stop the momentum of what is similar to a run away train going down a mountain. So now I am home. I'm feeling a little down. I've been eating right for four weeks and get a little depressed I am still fat!! That may be the Biggest Loser effect where they lose 10 lbs. in a week rather than a month!! I realize now that it could be months before I see any rewards for my work, and ONLT if I remain abstinent. I think that is why I am feeling a little down! Plus I don't want to eat my boring diet. I want to eat something exciting!! But I am going to eat it anyway, because if I don't I know I will binge.

Feelings!!

Whenever I decide to stay home and exercize, I procrastinate and end up not working out or working out right before dinner. So that is what happened today. I didn't exercise until 5:30. And who says exercizing makes you feel better? Sometimes it does but sometimes it doesn't. Today, I was feeling okay and then I just got depressed. I heard a profound statement on the radio the other day. "Your thoughts create all your suffering." I believe that but I am not always aware of my thoughts. I don't know why all the sudden I felt down. Nothing has changed. I am use to using sugar to self medicate to try to feel better or not feel at all. I'm not doing that now so I just have to sit with the feelings. It is what it is. I don't have to feel okay every minute of every day. Do I? They're just feelings! They may be distressing, but they are not dangerous.
The other thing I need to learn is that I can go ahead and do something even if I don't feel like it. That is part of being a grown up. It sucks I know!

Gaining and losing and gaining

I got my period Tuesday. It is always harder to abstain from sugar around my period. I crave sugar especially chocolate. Also I get PMS. I was really depressed yesterday and couldn't get myself to go exercise. I didn't want to do anything. I had no excuses other than I didn't want to!! I didn't feel like it!! The difference between me and the other people at the gym, besides the fact that most of them are thin and I am fat, is consistency. They consistently go whether they want to or not. Whereas I go with the object of losing weight. If I start binging and therefore not losing weight, I stop going! I need to stop seeing my problem as a weight issue, because then I think the problem is gone once the weight is lost. Actually it gets harder to maintain good eating habits once I am thin, because there are no immediate consequences from eating candy and junk food when I am thin. Unfortunately, I forget that that one candy bar is usually the beginning of more candy and more junk food, and not being willing to stop until I gain all my weight back plus more. Because once I start eating sweets, I don't WANT to stop and the only thing that stops me is being in more pain from eating sweets than not eating them. That usually happens when I am fat again and no clothes fit and I have trouble going up stairs and I hate myself again!!!

Nothing fits!

I only have one skort and no shorts that fit me right now. Yet I have a walk in closet packed with clothes. Last year, I orgnaized them from size 22 to size 8, putting all the clothes together for each size. Some of these clothes I haven't worn in over eight years! I don't know why I hang onto them except that I can't afford to buy a whole new wardrope as I lose weight. Of course, I have the largest wardrope in the smallest sizes as I hate to shop when I am heavy. Plus, I always see being overweight as a temporary condition because I am always trying to lose weight. The ironic part is that being thin is the temporary condition!! I have been heavy much longer than I've been thin. In college, I weighed between 105-135, and I was just as out of control with food but I could white knuckle diet enough that I lost the weight 10 or 15 lbs. pretty quickly after gaining it. Now I'm carrying over 100 extra pounds. You can't just take that off in a couple weeks or months! When I was in my 20's, I thought I would never let myself get so fat!! But I didn't go from 120 lbs. to 220 lbs in a year. Each time I lost the weight, I would gain 5-10 lbs. more. Over 30 years that adds up. Lately, I've been losing weight but my lowest weight has been 170 lbs. in the last five years, and that only lasted about a month before I started gaining it back. The thinnest I have been since college is 115 lbs. when I was forty!! Eight years ago. I haven't been this heavy in the summer. I reached a new high so I need to buy some summer clothes in the bigger size. I don't want to buy a lot because I'm hoping to keep losing and therefore I hope not to be this heavy for much longer. I could be buying clothes I can only wear for another 3-4 weeks. That is what I say, but I'm thankful I haven't been giving away the big clothes because I seem to need them again. The idea that if I didn't keep those clothes I wouldn't gain the weight back doesn't work for me. If it did, I wouldn't keep hitting new highs and outgrowing my old clothes! Tomorrow I'm going to buy one or two new skorts to wear until I'm in a size 18W as I have a lot in that size. God, if only this time the weight loss will stick!

I'm back home

I haven't exercized the last three days as I have been away. I'm going right after I write this. While I was away at my sister's, I didn't stay on my diet, but I didn't overeat either. The change in what I ate there helped me get off my latest plateau. I think when I'm always eating the same thing and exercising the same, my body adjusts and my weight gets stuck. I think this is what they talk about on the biggest loser-about having a high calorie day so your body doesn't think you are starving. I need to go as I am procrastinating about going to the gym.