Another school year

It's two years later! I'm still struggling with the same issues! Starting the school year again after losing about 20 lbs. The same 20 lbs. I've lost and gained at least five times over the last two years. It is frustrating, especially because I have another 50 lbs. in addition that I need to lose. I want this year to be different. It is hard for me to make myself a priority and taking care of myself quickly goes out the window once I start teaching again. Today was the first day I went into school and already I made so many excuses not to go exercise. I finally went after procrastinating for two hours.

I also went to my 30 year reunion! It was awful. I was 50 lbs. heavier than the last time I went, and it seemed like all the women were still thin and looked great. Some hadn't aged at all. (Many of the men were heavier. Where were all the heavy women? Did they just not come?) I didn't want to look at any of the photos of myself as I thought I looked awful, and now they are memorialized on facebook for everyone to see. I don't want to keep struggling to lose weight.
I know food will always be an issue for me, but weight doesn't have to be!!!! I want this to be the year I lose it for good!

Weekend of Celebration

I went to Maryland for my parents' 50th wedding anniversary. We had a luncheon after they renewed their wedding vows. I made a lot of bad food choices this weekend!! I've also had the worst diarrhea. I don't know if it is one of the supplements I am taking or what I ate or if I have a bug. It is so much easier to eat well when I am home. When I am out to eat--I'm eating for entertainment and it is a special occasion so I am treating myself. But often that exception becomes the rule and before long I am eating treats all the time!! I had a great time this weekend and loved seeing everyone. I definitely feel the best I have in years in terms of my moods. I know the amino acids are helping. I know right now if I don't start exercising again and get right back into eating right--I will be binging again. I stayed at school Friday until 7 P.M. so I could take Monday off. I waited so long to eat that I got fast food Friday night. That was the first of many bad choices this weekend. The worst is--today there are so many healthy choices but I want to eat what I want to eat!!! After Oprah, I'm going to the grocery store to get healthy food for this week. I'm going to get some bananas as I believe they are suppose to help diarrhea. I am thankful that I did not eat any anniversary cake or get into candy because then there is no telling what I would be eating now! Sunday, I ate some pancake roll-ups with blueberries, syrup and butter, bacon and home fries. I went back for seconds and wanted to go back for thirds but wanted to the desire passed. I think the amino acids helped!!! I didn't become totally obessessed with eating more. I'm hoping that this is the start of an abstienence that doesn't result in slips sending me into full blown binges where I gain all my weight back.

PMS

I started feeling down today, and then I started to get a headache. I realized I might be 2 weeks into my cycle because that is when I seem to get a kind of PMS. I just get depressed and don't want to do anything. At least, I'm not having sweet cravings. I think I'm just going to go to bed early. I'm getting my hormones tested again. I've been taking a compound of estrogen, progesterone, and testosterone. I rub it on the inside of my arm. I think it has really helped in my moods, but I think I need more, so I am getting another blood test. My food has been good and I've been steadily losing weight. I did exercise both Sunday & Monday. Two things I have to work on this week are: exercising during the week and being consistent with discipline in class. Even though I am not looking forward to getting up early tomorrow, I am glad I'm busy because otherwise I think I would be obessessing about my weight especially because I am still over 75 lbs. overweight. I've lost 25 lbs. which is great, but I still have a long way to go and that is hard. I end up focusing on how much I still have to lose rather than how much I've lost. It is great that I have more clothes I can fit into, and I have a choice about what to wear!! I just have to do this-one day at a time! No matter what!!!!

Unbalanced

I'm having a hard time! I'm getting to work at 6:30 and not leaving to 5:00. Then when I get home after I eat, I prepare for the next day. I'm hoping that this is just because I have to set up so much at the beginning of the year. I'm glad to have a three day weekend. I'm feeling stressed!!!! I also know that if I continue to do nothing but work--I will end up binging again out of frustration. I have a couple classes where the behavior is going to be challenging and I already am not being strict enough. I'm making the same mistakes I say every year I will change. I need to start praying about it. I also learned I am not getting paid until next Wednesday. Thank God my rent isn't taken out before then or I wouldn't have the money. I need to stay in the present and slow down. Breathe!

One Day at a Time

I had a migraine today. Whenever I don't feel well, my first thought is to eat! "Eat, you will feel better." But when I think of eating to feel better-I'm thinking chocolate, ice cream, cookies, not chicken soup! I came home and justed wanted to go to bed. But I made myself a good dinner and now I feel better. Work is crazy-they changed the classes I would be teaching the day before the students are returning. However, it reduced my preparation from 4 to 3. I just really have to do the next right thing when it comes to my food. I didn't know they weren't serving lunch today so I was caught unprepared. My first thought was going to a fast food drive-thru. But I made the next right decision and went to Subway. If I just take one food decision at a time--and make the right decision, it makes it easier the next time. When I am binging, there is this incredible momentum that is hard to stop and reverse. Similarly, when I am disciplined, there is a momentum that makes it easier for me to be disciplined in other areas like my spending. When I am binging, I also overspend and not just on food. As a result, I have a lot of credit card debt.

Tomorrow Another School Year

I'm actually excited to start school. My food is okay. I've been chewing gym in the evening to keep from eating. Today I went to the gym. It was good! Yet later I had cravings--sometimes my blood sugar drops and I can get really bad cravings. These cravings weren't that bad so I was able to eat something healthy. In the past, if my blood sugar dropped the cravings for sugar were so bad I would binge. The amino acids are really making a difference. Tomorrow I need to get up around 5 PM, if I want to exercise in the morning. I know if I don't exercise in the morning it is not going to happen later on. But will I really get up?

"Life is uncertain. Eat dessert first!"

I didn't want to eat dinner tonight. The reason is because my dinner isn't exciting or pleasurable. So I don't want to get up and prepare it. I'm use to eating fast food which I not only don't have to prepare, but also taste good to eat. My sister and I were talking about this because sometimes her girls don't like what they are having for dinner. She is trying to tell them that the food they eat isn't always going to be something they really like, but that they need to eat to fuel their body. I know that I associate food with pleasure. One of my favorite expressions is "Life is uncertion so eat dessert first!" When I'm binging-I only eat food that is pleasurable. I would go for months without any vegetables other than french fries or the lettuce on a Junior Whopper or a Taco! Yet I know that if I don't plan and prepare my meals, I will just grab what is easy and available. This reminds me of another expression which is hanging in my kitchen. It says, "If you are what you eat--I'm fast, easy and cheap." I also need to associate how I feel later with what I am eating. Even though eating fast food is exremely pleasurable to me, later I feel bloated and gross!! When I eat right--I can feel great!